Ditch Read online

  Bug Is that a spud?

  Turner Need somethin’ to settle my gut.

  Bug How come we’ve got spuds?

  Megan Fetch you some milk?

  Turner ignores Megan’s offer and looks at the potato on the table.

  Turner Fried taters.

  Turner turns to Bug.

  Bug Fried deer.

  Bug turns to Turner.

  Turner Fried egg.

  Bug Tin a’ beans.

  The realisation hits them at the same time.

  Bug That’s a full English breakfast!

  Turner Kiss me quick I’m comin’!

  Mrs Peel Tater aint for breakfast.

  Mrs Peel shoves the potato in her apron.

  Turner Why, what a’ we havin’?

  Mrs Peel I make it way past eight.

  Turner I make it your job to cater for us.

  Beat. Mrs Peel lights the stove.

  Bug Where’s James?

  Turner He up and around.

  Bug Shall I go get him?

  Turner What a’ you askin’ me for?

  Bug walks out of the kitchen.

  Bug (Hollers.) James! . . . (Hollers.) James! . . . (Hollers.) James!

  Bug comes back into the kitchen.

  Turner I got a tongue as dry as a horse’s hoof, that coffee ready?

  Megan Bringin’ it now.

  Megan brings the coffee to the table as James enters.

  Bug (To James.) Breakfast.

  James Thought I’d missed it.

  James sits at the table.

  Bug Slept well?

  James Yeah, I did.

  Turner With them dogs barkin’?

  James Too tired to hear anythin’.

  Turner You must a’ heard ’em, Burns?

  Burns What?

  Turner Dogs goin’ at it last night. I say we head over to Edale, pitch up there for a couple a’ days.

  Bug agrees.

  James Where’s Edale?

  Turner North east a’ here, about twenty mile. Nothin’ to it really, just a straight mile a’ cottages runnin’ through.

  Bug It been empty a long time, way before the orders came to leave. Been a tourist spot before, droves a’ walkers passin’ through on weekends, kind a’ place southerners retired too.

  Turner What it is is a prime spot for Illegals.

  Bug We check the cottages for any sign a’ ’em, blankets, smuts still alive, empty tinned food cans where the sauce aint turned.

  Turner They hole up in ’em before makin’ their way just north a’ there to the Pennine Way, leads all the way up to the Scottish border. Most a’ the time that’s where the cunts a’ headin’, Scotland.

  Bug Thinkin’ it better in the north.

  Turner Sometimes I reckon the border restrictions should be lifted for a week.

  Mrs Peel and Megan bring in four plates of a dismal breakfast.

  Turner Let all the Civilians in cities and settlements go where ever the fuck they want and see it pretty much the same everywhere. After that they’d be back in their pens and the cunts’d stay put, no more Illegals. (Grins with a mouthful.) But then we’d be out of a’ job.

  Beat.

  Turner That alright with you Burns if we do Edale?

  Burns (Nods.) Do a circle on the way back by Kinder Scoutt.

  Turner You takin’ James out with you or he comin’ with us?

  Burns Me and him’s stayin’ about here.

  Turner Showed him what there is yesterday.

  Burns There’s some work to be done.

  Turner What work?

  Burns Seein’ to that plot a’ land by the stables.

  Mrs Peel looks over at Burns and Turner sees her.

  Burns Preparin’ it for a crop.

  Bug More spuds?

  Burns Needs to be weeded and spaded first.

  Bug All a’ it?

  Burns Me and James’ll start her off.

  Bug That’s a lot a’ shovellin’.

  Burns Youse can take over when you get back, be done in a week or so.

  Turner stands.

  Bug Where you goin’?

  Turner To do my job.

  Turner walks off. Bug stands.

  Burns See you in a couple a’ days.

  Bug nods and leaves.

  Burns Any good at shovellin’ James?

  James Can’t say I done it before.

  Mrs Peel enters to clear the plates.

  Burns S’like bein’ the batsman in cricket.

  James Can’t say I been that either.

  Burns and James leave.

  Burns It’s all in the kneel.

  Mrs Peel Burns?

  Burns stops before he leaves turns to Mrs Peel. Beat.

  Mrs Peel New boy been in here this mornin’. He been real excited to know we got a cow, way I see it he aint had his hands around a teat in a long time. Make sure he knows that milkin’ the cow aint his job round here.

  Mrs Peel leaves.

  Scene Three

  Peak. Night.

  Turner is sat staring into the small fire. Bug approaches Turner from behind. The horses are heard to stir occasionally.

  Bug (Sheepishly.) Turner . . .

  Turner What?

  Beat.

  Turner What you forgot this time?

  Bug The tarp.

  Turner What a’ we gonna do now?

  Bug We could go back?

  Turner I aint goin’ back.

  Bug I could go back.

  Turner Fuck the tarp.

  Bug Fuck the tarp?

  Turner Fuck the tarp. Fuck the rain. Fuck the land. Fuck Burns.

  Bug (Grins.) Thought you was pissed at me.

  Turner And fuck you.

  Bug (Still grinning.) But you aint.

  Turner Aint you pissed about it?

  Bug Yeah, I’m pissed. But. Way I see it, I only gotta be pissed for three days.

  Turner Three days?

  Bug Four max.

  Turner We supposed to be patrollin’ this here bastard peak, and now there’s just two a’ us doin’ it.

  Bug We’ll be four by the end a’ the week.

  Turner By then we could a’ lost out on god knows how many Illegals.

  Bug Aint as if we pickin’ ’em up every week, Turn.

  Turner You know why? Cause they fear us. They fear us, Bug. That’s why.

  Bug looks out.

  Turner This whole gardenin’ thing, it dint come from Burns.

  Bug What d’you mean?

  Turner That old rope, Peel. It her idea.

  Bug Wouldn’t mind havin’ some spuds.

  Turner She sowin’ more than that.

  Bug Reckon we’ll get peas?

  Turner Would you stop thinkin’ about your gut and think about what’s goin’ on here. Aint Burns puttin’ us on a shovel, it Peel, a civilian. I like Burns, don’t get me wrong, he been a good soldier, done his fair share a’ tours. But that was some time ago, this last three year he been lookin’ up at the moon through a whiskey bottle waitin’ for his boy to come back. He aint got the grit to do the job, s’all I’m sayin’. Beat.

  Turner Put some food on?

  Bug Aint hungry yet.

  Turner Me neither

  Bug You know what I been thinkin’ about?

  Turner Getting’ laid?

  Bug Yeah, but soemthin’ else too.

  Turner looks blank.

  Bug Keep thinkin’ about that stag.

  Turner Why?

  Bug I don’t know.

  Turner So what you talkin’ about it for?

  Bug I don’t know.

  Beat.

  Bug Never seen a stag bitten like that.

  Turner Seen it before.

  Bug Whatever it was knew what it was doin’, straight for the jugular.

  Turner What d’you mean: whatever it was?

  Bug I don’t know.

  Turner Told you a dog done it.

  Bug It was a big bastard too.

  Turner Fuc
kin’ three dogs then.

  Bug Not an organ left.

  Turner How many times has one of them stray dogs come at you? Them dogs have spent most a’ their life sprawled on a rug in front of a TV fartin’. But with all that gone they’re wild.

  Bug Yeah, you’re right.

  Beat.

  Bug Never seen a dog this far inta the Peak.

  Turner And I never had such a borin’ conversation.

  Beat.

  Bug Haven’t pitched in this spot for a while.

  Turner Couple a’ week maybe.

  Bug Had this dream, last time we were sleepin’ here. Not really a dream cause I was awake, sleepy eyed kind a’ thing. The whole place was lit. Burnin’. Red with fire. Some trees fallin’. The ground scorched . . .

  Turner And then what?

  Bug (Shrugs.) Nothin’.

  Scene Four

  Stables. Evening.

  Megan is laid on her back staring upwards. James enters.

  James Evenin’.

  Megan jumps to her feet.

  Megan Evenin’.

  James Came to check the tack for my horse.

  Megan Which one been given?

  James Sheets.

  Beat.

  James What a’ you doin’?

  Megan I’m bein’ alone.

  Beat.

  James You come here to do that?

  Megan Huhum.

  Beat.

  Megan Mrs Peel don’t tend to come here. She don’t like the horses much, especially Mince. He been eating her sage bush. Sheets kicked her in the gut. But she was alright about that.

  James Guess I’ll be goin’ then.

  Megan I don’t mind sharin’ this space. I could just sit here alone, sit here sharin’ it, s’all the same to me – you like stars?

  James I guess.

  Megan Want a’ see some?

  James Alright.

  Megan S’why I’m always in this spot so I can see ’em.

  James edges forwards to where Megan stands.

  Megan I sometimes sit outside when you all sleepin’ and look at ’em too. It’s so quiet and dark. Never no planes in the sky, no headlights, lights from windows. Just them stars and me. You know that the stars a’ suns?

  James shakes his head.

  Megan Suns just the closet one to us is all. Mrs Peel told me that. Told me that everyone a’ them stars is gonna die sometime and same goes for ours. But before it dies, a long time before it dies, it gonna cook us to a crisp and boil all the water away. You know that?

  James shakes his head.

  Megan She told me that the moons done for too. Every year it moves further away and there’ll come a time when it won’t support us no more, we’re gonna drop like a sack a’ taters. You know that?

  James shakes his head.

  Megan Don’t really matter anyway cause the sun’ll cook us first.

  Beat.

  James Know how to find the North star.

  Megan Mrs Peel don’t know that.

  James There’s seven bright stars in the shape of a saucepan. You find the saucepan and take the edge a’ it that’s furthest away from the handle. You draw a line from the star at the base a’ the pan to the star at the rim. You extend it about five times. That leads you to another saucepan. A smaller one. You take the edge a’ the smaller saucepan’s handle that’s furthest away from the pan and you found the North Star. Drop a vertical line from the North Star to the horizon and that’s north.

  Megan is lost yet impressed.

  James Orientation was part a’ my trainin’. Taught to orientate ourselves without a compass. Had to learn to memorize co-ordinates. Told never to fold a map any other way than it already folded. That way you give nothin’ about the operation away. I liked that part a’ it, learnin’ I mean.

  Megan How much schoolin’ you had?

  James Till I was twelve.

  Megan Same here.

  James We must be the same age then.

  Megan I like learnin’ too.

  Beat.

  James Show you some tactical hand signals if you want?

  Megan What a’ they?

  James Stuff you do to not give the operation away.

  Megan’s game.

  James (Raise his arm clenches his fist.) Hold.

  Megan (Does the same.) Hold.

  James (Crosses his arms across his chest.) Obstacle.

  Megan (Does the same.) Obstacle.

  James (Raises his arm, points the finger, rotates it.) Regroup.

  Megan (Does the same.) Regroup.

  James (Hand into a spy hole.) Look out.

  Megan (Does the same.) Look out.

  James (Cups his ear.) Say again.

  Megan (Does the same.) Say again.

  James Best stop there, gets confusin’ if you do too many.

  Megan Never been someone my age here before.

  James Security’s always been full a’ the other generation. But since most a’ thems gone overseas it left an openin’ for us. Now that we old enough to do it. I signed up a year ago.

  Beat.

  Megan So now you got health care.

  James Yeah. Not that I need it, I aint got nothin’.

  Megan Good to have it.

  James I guess.

  Megan Get more rations too.

  James When I was outside, here we eatin’ the same.

  Megan Bigger livin’ quarters for you.

  James Aint done it for none a’ that.

  Megan (Nods.) Just wanted to be in the Security.

  James First time I had a choice in somethin’. Everythin’ else been decided for me. Figured, if I’m gonna be drafted as well, I’d rather choose it then it get me. So that’s what I done. Some a’ them I knew dint speak to me after I done it. But. They don’t speak much to each other outside anyway. This is the most I talked in a long time. Gonna get me in bother, like it did this mornin’ with Mrs Peel.

  Megan She always like that.

  James Should a’ known better.

  Megan Should be able to ask things sometimes.

  The horses are heard to whinny. Megan becomes alert.

  James I should be goin’.

  Megan Probably just a mouse stirred ’em.

  James You sure Mrs Peel aint gonna come?

  Megan Last time I seen her she was pullin’ whiskers out a’ her chin and nose. She don’t tend to come out a’ our room after she been doin’ that. This here’s my free time, don’t get much a’ that.

  James She worked you hard on that shovel today.

  Megan She always workin’ me, even when there’s nothin’ needs doin’, but it good for me. When there was more men here I been busy most a’ the time but when they went away I been told I was gonna be sent back to my old quarters and put to work in the refinery.

  James How come you stayed?

  (Beat.)

  Megan Turner, he put in a good word for me.

  James Don’t seem like him.

  Megan Here a bit like where I grew up, dint have horses a’ nothin’ but reminds me a’ it sometimes . . .

  James Thought you dint talk about the past here?

  Megan I don’t do everythin’ Mrs Peel tells me. Today I chucked a handful a seeds down the toilet. Yesterday I tipped coffee grinds inta the compost like I been told too, but I slung in a tea bag, like I been told not too. Day before I spotted a hare munchin’ away at her first ever courgette flower and I stood by and let it eat it down to the core. Last month I took a knife and made a gash in her mosquito nettin’, and sure enough she been bit. And for a year I been watchin’ a vine slowly spreadin’ itself on top a’ the spade I hid and I let it keep on growin’ like toe nails on a corpse.

  Burns (Offstage.) James?

  James I gotta go.

  Megan He just callin’ he aint comin’ here.

  Burns (Offstage.) James?

  James I should go.

  James walks away, stops, turns around.

  James Maybe see you in here again?r />
  Megan I don’t mind sharin’ this space.

  Megan sits.

  Megan S’all same to me.

  James leaves. Megan smiles.

  Scene Five

  Kitchen. Afternoon.

  Mrs Peel and Megan are before the table which is covered in seeds. James and Burns are bringing boxes of supplies into the kitchen.

  Mrs Peel Potatoes, peas, beans are all the seed for their kind, cucumbers and most fruit contain the seed within ’em, we’ll pick ’em out. Reason there’s so many different kinds is, where one will fail another can still succeed. They’re not all gonna’ survive. Nature knows that, spreads it chances. When pickin’ leaves and mushrooms you gotta be careful that they aint poisonous. A rule a’ thumb I swear by is if you don’t recognize it or it’s got a dick don’t trust it. (Glares at James.) Get rid a’ it.

  Burns sits on a box and decanters the whiskey bottle into his flask.

  Mrs Peel (To Burns.) One a’ your dogs has been in here last night and had itself a free for all. I had a deer’s tongue in a little dish over there, marinadin’ in some vinegar and garlic over night –

  Burns Vinegar and garlic?

  Mrs Peel I don’t appreciate feedback on my cookin’. I walk in here, dish is tipped over, and No Tongue. Best bit too.

  Burns Yer can say that again.

  Mrs Peel dislikes Burns’s tone and lets him know it.

  Burns I’ll tell ’em to be more careful when tyin’ ’em up at night.

  Mrs Peel Damn good kick up the goolies is what it needs.

  Burns You got one less bag a’ flour and no coffee.

  Mrs Peel You got tea?

  Burns nods.

  Mrs Peel You checked it? Cause last time they diddled yer.

  Burns Everythin’ else is there.

  Mrs Peel shifts her attention back to Megan.

  Mrs Peel Most a’ what you gonna be doin’ is sowin’, waterin’ and harvestin’. But you’ll need to have the eye a’ the hawk about you at all times. Why? Cause you’re on the look out for Fungus . . .

  James enters with the last of the supplies.

  Mrs Peel And he comes in all shapes and guises. Mould, mildew, black spot. You see any sign a’ Fungus you come to me.

  James looks at the seeds on the table.

  Mrs Peel You see a bird pullin’ at the tops a’ my spring opinions, a hare helpin’ itself to my cabbages, a slug suckin’ up my salad (turns on James) what d’you do?

  James I come to you?

  Mrs Peel Wrong.

  Mrs Peel edges towards James.

  Mrs Peel You nip it in the bud right there and then. You take your hand! a rock! a shovel! and you do whatever it takes.